Monday, May 19, 2008

Lessons Learned

I learned something very valuable the other night. It’s something that seemed so simple but ended up in such a disaster that I feel it is my duty to share my experience such that no one else will have to endure the same torture I did. Ok, here it goes—

Do not under ANY circumstances drink Chardonnay and decide to Brazilian Wax yourself.

In addition, do not under ANY circumstances fail at Brazilian Waxing yourself and then Nair immediately after. NOT a good idea. NO, NOT a good idea at all. It may seem like a good idea, thanks to the Chardonnay, but I would advise that you either get it professionally done, or just don’t do it, or just do ONE of those things, but not both. Drink Chardonnay afterwards.

Lesson #2. This one, not as bad, but could have potentially been just as much of a disaster. Ok, here it goes—

Bouncing, Gravity and Sweat are no friends of silicone breasts. Use EXTREME caution when giving the ladies a test drive, they are not yet attached to your body and can easily slip right out of your bra while dancing to Get Low, forcing YOU to go much lower than you had planned as you stop those slippery suckers before THEY hit the flo! Luckily I caught the twins when they made it to my belly and was able to gracefully shove them back into my bra without anyone noticing. Phew!

You have been warned.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

The Boob Job Diaries: 1-2

Oh shit! Oh God! This is not good. Ok, calm down get out of the skid, how do I do that? Nope, that made it worse. My kids, My car, My BOOBS!

These are the thoughts that crossed my mind as I contemplated if I was going to come out of the current circumstance dead or alive. My car is out of control and I can see that at my speed of 70 mph I am going to hit the guard rail head on. Luckily I managed to crank my wheel sending my car into a spin, bouncing my back end off the guard rail such that when I open my eyes I see that I’m facing interstate traffic head on. It was very early in the morning and thank gawd there really wasn't any traffic. I slowly straightened myself out and pulled over to the nearest ramp to examine the potential damage. I was shaken up but I survived, my car survived and life went on. No damn way I would cancel my consultation today.

I wait patiently in the sterile yet comfy room. The doc comes in and he is GORGEOUS! Go figure, right ladies? Doesn’t he know women that desire nicer breasts usually don’t start off with nice breasts? Having a hot guy feel them up, measure and poke is just a tad uncomfortable. That’s like having a hot GYN, it just ain’t right.

It actually wasn’t that bad. He has great “bedside” manner and was very professional. Told me all the things I wanted to hear before getting me naked and was very gentle and informative as he examined and silently judged my boobs.

After the examination and pillow talk the doc left me with silicone and bras for me to try on different sizes. It’s strange the weight and feel of those things on my body. The smallest size looked HUGE to me, but the nurse assured me that bigger would be better. So I tried the next size. Now I’m feeling like Dolly Parton’s sister. But still, I’m only at a mid-high C at this point, so I went ahead and tried on the third size up. WOW! Im not sure what I would do with these, but I’m sure I would get paid for it!

So, I wrote out that take your breath away, what the fuck am I doing check to reserve my surgery date and was given a nice little bag with 2 of my favorite size boobs to experiment over the weekend. I had a blast. It’s nice to see how proportioned I look and how I fill out my shirts. The size I am choosing is not an OMG DOUBLE TAKE size. I did catch some lookers, but not many and I was happy about that.. I’m not doing this to get attention. I still haven’t been able to really express in words the why’s but I am confident in my decision and I know I will be happy with the results

To be continued……