Thursday, March 20, 2008

Slowly Awaking

I have spent the last 5 years in a coma. I think I actually started slipping into the deep sleep of denial before that, but I know the last 5 years I let everything I was and wanted to be, slip away. It was just easier and natural for me to allow myself to get lost in the people I cared about rather than worry about my needs and wants.

No more.

I found myself in the same position I have continued to give into after all these years. I fell and I fell hard. Before I knew it I had lost myself, again, or so I thought. While I freaked out because I thought I had lost myself, I realized that by letting go to something I was firmly holding on to, I found my liberation. It was hard and painful, but I knew it wasn’t right, not now, maybe not ever. I no longer gave up me to accommodate (fill in the blank).

I have never felt as awake as I did cleaning my garage today. I was accomplishing a long over due task, the first of several and it felt good. He released me, I released us and I finally said yes, this is for me and I deserve it.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Everyone is Irish Today!

I really should be studying right now. I mean after I got rejected, that’s right, me from a job I realized I need to study and get my shit together before I interview again. I was so excited for this interview. This is an edgy, innovative company and thought for sure the people who work there would have the personality to match. Not so much. This guy had a big stick up his butt and I’m not saying that just b/c he rejected me. Truly, he is why DBAs are stereo-typed as anal retentive perfectionists. I know I would not have fit in after all.

So I was totally focused on getting off of work, going to the gym, shampooing my carpets, grocery shopping and studying all when I got home. Instead, I spent time bullshitting with family, getting beer and coming home to update my blog with nonsense. First of all, how was I going to accomplish all that in one night, second, it’s St. Patty’s day why would I want to accomplish all that this night?

I officially celebrated St. Patty’s day Saturday night. It was my first time…EVA to go somewhere for St. Patty’s day. I went downtown, stood outside in the semi-cold, in a line for about 15 min. Got to the front to pay a $10 cover to enter the event which was outside in the semi-cold and getting colder to drink $9 beers and watch others drink $9 beers. I later discovered, after my 2nd $9 beer why this event is so successful. It’s because after your 2nd and counting $9 beer you just don’t give a shit anymore and suddenly everyone is funny and your best friend. So, by the end of the night, I found myself having a blast! So I guess you can’t judge an event by it’s cover, not until you have a few beers at least.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Loving is Letting Go

This was a quote I recently came across in the movie Jane Austen’s Book Club. It’s funny how when we are going through different chapters of our life our eyes are open to things relevant to our current circumstances.

My personal belief is spiritual. I believe that someone above is looking out for me. I believe that these little signs that my eyes are open to at that very moment are blessings letting me know it’s going to be ok. It is always an opportunity to learn from the experience and make it a part of who I am.

People who cross my path, and I theirs have always had significant meaning for me. It is the brief encounter with a stranger when something is said that may have not meant much to them, but are words that have an impact on me. The pastor in church whose service felt like it was meant, just for me. The relationship you thought would last forever and it was so painful to let go , but in the end both of you are on a new path to better things.

I can’t ever believe that time I have spent in a place, with a person is ever a waste. I have spent several years of my life not really happy. I’m the kind of person that can find the best in everything and that’s what I did. I wasn’t happy, but I was accommodating and I accepted the place I was in, made the best of it. That has since ended. It was a bitter ending. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me and to him.

The earlier chapters of my life have had their challenges and blessings. These past few years have really been the hardest. I have had to face some truths and learn to cope. I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it. I may never have it fully figured out, but I don’t need to. I just need to know how I feel today and live in the moment for awhile. This is something I’ve never done and I need to relish the opportunity I have to do it now.